Answer
Thanks for your question. For many reasons, LGBTQ+ young people may not tell anyone about how they are feeling. If your daughter is gay, she may not be aware of her sexuality yet and, if she is, she may be having difficulties in coming to terms with it.
Approaching the subject indirectly can be a good way to start. You could begin by talking to your child about sex and relationships. Speak positively about people who are LGBTQ+ and show you are accepting. You could mention examples of same-sex relationships or TV shows such as ‘Heartstopper’ as a way to show her that you accept gay relationships to relieve fears she might have. If you can show that you are relaxed about talking about sexuality, then your daughter may be more likely to talk to you if she is gay, when she is ready.
In terms of your concern about your daughter becoming transgender, it’s important to know that gender identity and sexual orientation are two very different things. Gender identity is a person’s deeply felt sense of our own gender, and isn’t something that is ‘learned’. Some gay or lesbian people may also be trans, but for most people who are not heterosexual, this is not the case. In reality, the number of trans people in Ireland is really low – there are only about 5,000 trans people in the country: that’s just 0.1% of our population.
Gender identity and gender expression are different things. Gender expression relates to how we show our gender through our clothes, hair etc. This is different to gender identity. Gender identity refers to how we feel inside, and gender expression is how we present ourselves outside. So a male expressing traditionally ‘feminine’ traits, fashion or mannerisms is not necessarily a trans woman, and similarly a female expressing traditionally ‘masculine’ expression is not necessarily trans male.
It is best to be led by your young person on how they identify deep within themselves. To best support your daughter, keep communication open. Make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything.
If it is the case that your young person was to come out as trans in the future, give yourself time to come to terms with the situation. While you do that, be mindful that your child will need your support now more than ever. Our Family Support Service will always be happy to support you one-to-one if this was to occur. Please always free to get in touch with us.